Leonard's Predictable Week
Lily Hoang
1. Leonard dies on Mondays but not every Monday. He likes to die at least three Mondays a month though.

2. Leonard refuses to come back to life on Tuesdays. If he dies on Monday, he insists that he will remain dead on Tuesday. If he doesn’t die on Monday, he spends Tuesday grocery shopping and eating pancakes soaked in syrup.

3. Wednesday is laundry day. Leonard cannot miss laundry day, unless of course, he decides to be dead all week. He has never done this, but he likes to have a caveat ready, just in case.

4. On Thursdays, Leonard plays chess in the park with all the other old Jewish men. He’s not particularly good at it, but he never loses a game.

5. Throughout the week, Leonard tapes his favorite television game shows, but he does not watch them until Friday. Friday is a day of ultimate celebration and decadence. He watches Wheel of Fortune and eats ice cream. He watches Jeopardy and pets his cats. He watches and watches, but Leonard also considers Friday a day of enrichment. He thinks that somehow, he’s getting smarter because of these television shows, even the ones that have nothing to do with trivia or knowledge and everything to do with blind luck.

6. On Saturdays, Leonard either commits murder or a random act of kindness. He goes out in the morning and picks a young, pretty thing. He follows her around for the day, and by dinnertime, if Leonard is hungry, he will kill her and gobble her up. If he is still sated from his previous meal, he will do something nice, like buy her flowers or let her live.
Of course, if the pretty young thing reacts cruelly to his gesture, Leonard is likely to kill her and gobble her up whether he’s hungry or not, just on principle.

7. Leonard rests on Sundays. Even men like Leonard find it necessary to follow the patterns of God. So he rests. And he waits in silence for Monday to come, just so he can start his monotonous, banal week all over again.